if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
