omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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