see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
