Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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