so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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