two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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