I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
