last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
