i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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