You made me cry and you don't even care
Where is the hickey?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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