the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
