It's Friday. Sex?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
