He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The struggles of a small town man whore
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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