break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
