Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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