Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I could make wine with my vomit
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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