i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
