I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
