Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
