My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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