so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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