Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
