Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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