found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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