she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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