I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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