I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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