my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
