sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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