I think my vagina is haunted
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
