God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
