Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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