I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
