Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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