Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
