I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
