i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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