I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
