I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Buhtt sex?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
