I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
