someone get that fucking seahorse.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Randomize
