Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
