Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
