God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
