Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
