Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
