I heard we made out
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
