he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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