How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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