life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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