OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
