the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
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I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
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It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.