I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
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This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.