It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
