thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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