I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
