I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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