i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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