My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
