The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
