There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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