I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just pee around me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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